Today I watched a video that instructed two people to stare at each other in silence for four minutes. There was a lot of giggling initially, then intense pondering, concluded with tears. Every single pairing ended in tears. The footage reminded me just how much healing there is in silence. Some have asked why I didn’t write during this pregnancy and at first I contributed it to a lack of time; which has some truth to it. However, the more I contemplated I realized it was because my life was so loud this year and I often become far less creative in noise.
Just months before conceiving Genesis, my husband and I relocated approximately 1.5 to 2 hours from my immediate family and closest friends. This was the furthest I had ever been from my support network. It wasn’t painful when making this decision as I have always been one to enjoy a tad bit of privacy, but the move really made me appreciate my connections with them more. I also changed jobs at this time. Though wonderfully compensated, I spent a majority of my day alone (or corresponding via phone with my work partner in crime). After conceiving I was then placed on bedrest for nearly five months. Needless to say, I spent quite a bit of time in silence during my first pregnancy.
Don’t get me wrong, noise is not a negative thing. I find peace in the boisterous debates on holidays with family. My heart swells listening to my 3 year old’s laughter and I have had some of the best moments of growth over work lunches. Noise is life. But, sometimes, its distracting. Life this pregnancy was far different from before; working full-time, raising a toddler, and being in extreme pain throughout the pregnancy made life quite eventful. I was beyond distracted from being in a creative space.
As I updated my calendar last night I noted that tomorrow Journey would be one month old. This immediately made me think of Genesis’ first month, which sent me straight here to read her updates. Reading her updates gave me instant nostalgia. I found myself holding Journey tighter as I read. After bingeing on memories, I was overcome with a huge dose of guilt. I felt like I had cheated my second child out of documenting these moments in real-time. On my way to picking out my outfit for a pity party, I thought..just… start… now.
I thought no better way to start documenting her journey (pun intended) then giving a little background on why I lost connection with my pen and showing her how I picked it up again. Though life won’t ever be as quiet as it once was (and I don’t I want it to be), I pray to create moments of reflection and stillness for myself; always remembering that masterpieces can be created in chaos too.
Journey, there will be times in life when life gets hectic. Times you will feel out of touch with yourself. But, know these are the moments that you were probably doing some immense growing. The most important thing is to reflect on them and find the lesson.
As I reflect I become grateful. There was a time I would have never thought I would have a child to fall asleep exhausted next to. Who would have thought 3 years ago, I would even be able to complain about the pain of a SECOND pregnancy. Now, I have TWO beautiful girls….lets pause on that! I have TWO, beautiful, healthy daughters. Look at God!
I can not promise I will always get it right, that I will always be centered, or even reflective. But, please know I am truly trying my best for you two. Please know you were prayed for, wanted, and humbly welcomed to our family. It is my heart wrenching desire and prayer that you seek God’s heart first in everything you do, love and value family beyond social distractions, and have an abundance of confidence in yourself because baby girl I believe you will change this world.
Always with love