Party of 1

The concept of being alone terrifies me if I am 100% completely honest. I’ve never enjoyed solitude without exhaustion attached. Growing up I was constantly surrounded by love and affection, but now that I look back I think I was more in love with the attention than the love part of it.

My dad was the kind of father that would take us on dates as kids. He would hold the door open for us. He made grand gestures and speeches about minor accolades. He really knew how to make you feel special.

Throughout my teens I chased that feeling desperately. I obtained highs from excelling academically, mastering my instrument and climbing to become a drum major and section leader in one of the most respected high school bands in southern california at that time(no matter how geeky you think it is), and of course I craved male attention.

But, all the noise only distanced me further from who I really was without an accessory. I still struggle with this today. When personal relationships change I judge. When I fail at work I question my passion. When my kids cry I over compensate. When love fades I retreat.

This year I have been trying the hardest I ever have to stand alone in who I am. I have distanced myself quite a bit from people and things that feel just too hard during this transformation. My vulnerability is at an all time high. I’m leaving myself open for some serious hurt and I can only allow pure love in.

Its lonely. I won’t lie. There are a lot of days I don’t like myself. Those days are welcomed now because it makes me dig deeper. Forgive myself. And try again tomorrow. I worry that exposing this journey will tarnish my image and reputation because I will make a lot of mistakes, but I pray that the good it will do will supercede the losses.

I’m being gentle with myself. I pray you all are too. Share a time when you felt this way, saw someone transforming and how you helped, or just drop a line to say hello.

Special thank you to THAT friend that was so courageous to take that leap even when I didnt understand. Thank you for allowing me in during that time and distancing when needed. I’m so grateful for you. You know exactly who you are.

Always with love,

Modo

4 thoughts on “Party of 1

  1. Great update into your behind the scenes! Your ability to write about yourself and life experiences as they happen is a blessing to someone. It allows people like me to understand how you are dealing with your adversities. I believe that in your state of vulnerability and truth there is no tarnishing that can be said and that you shouldn’t worry about others because I’m sure they are making mistakes. I believe what you are doing is your passion and that you give healing through your words! As you hubby I can say I smile as I read your post because I live this truth with you and It makes me realize how special you are and these posts are the tools I need to better myself . I Love You

  2. You captivate every time you write or speak. I’ve always admired everything about you. Your intelligences, Sense of humor, your love for people and family. I miss you in so many ways. You have always made me feel secure. once I broke the bond of our friendship, I’ve haven’t felt the same. I love that you are so transparent and vulnerable. You deserve to have everything you want in life. I love you.

    1. My dear Sarah, please know that when we buried that incident years ago, I truly released every amount of anger, pain, or hurt. Know that all is forgiven. I am glad that you too have forgiven me for moments that I was not the best to you in our friendship as well. The deep and intimate love in our friendship was surely missed in my life as well but I am glad it was because it means that is just how powerful our friendship was. I also believe in the power of NEW! I am excited to continue rebuilding especially now with our little girls in tow (oh how they love each other). I love you Sarah. Always have and always will.

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