When Things Fall Apart

Confession.

I didn’t love my house at first sight. It was the last house we saw after a 7 house all day tour with our realtor and two children under 5. We had already been looking for nearly 6 months, been saving for 3 years, lost 2 houses in the process, and our lease was ending in 60 days.

It was an exhausting day. Our realtor said before we went inside that this house checked every box on our wish list. I was more excited about having the kids out the car than seeing the house honestly.

We walked the house. It did check every box but it didnt move me….until I saw the backyard. It was lush. It was full of sounds from the birds and dragonflies. Beautiful flowers everywhere. Apricot tree. Plum tree. Avocado trees. Grape vine. Olive tree. Berries. It was a dream. It was full of life. Byron felt the same way.

We closed the next month, but due to renovations and delayed move time the house sat for nearly 6 weeks in limbo. Once we moved in, the season begin to change and all the fruit dried up. The grass began to die. The birds came less.

We started to notice the problems. Trees leaning over our neighbors yard, dead shrubs, and the forest of dead plants on the side of the house. Byron called a gardener to clean things up. I went to work and when I returned I gasped. All the trees had been trimmed short, all the flowers were gone, and life was gone completely in the space. It felt barren. I stood in the backyard and sobbed.

Byron called the gardener and said a series of obscene things on the phone that can not be repeated in attempts to console me. The gardener kept saying “its fall you have to cut everything down. It will grow back”. But I couldn’t deal. I was heartbroken.

The fall brought another heartbreak with my health. Tons of doctors visits. 2nd and 3rd opinions. Phrases like ” growning mass”, “possible cancer”, and “are you done having kids” were all thrown my way within months. There were days I felt paralyzed in fear. Days Byron has literally just sat and watched me crumble, trying to pick up the pieces. Then my uncle died. Tragedy in the news. And work was piling up. I finally just crawled in the bed and slept almost 12 hours one day.

When I woke up I found my sage (thank you bro), walked my house blessed it and my body, and just paused. I got quiet. It’s what I do when I feel out of control. It’s what i do when i am scared. It’s what i do to feel closer to God.

A few days later I walked in my backyard and saw tiny flowers growing on a tree. I heard the birds chirping. Spring was on the horizon. I called Byron and said the flowers are coming back!!! I was so elated. And so was he. Everyday they got bigger and more beautiful. Every day I fell more in love with my house again.

I got a call after oncology reviewed my chart and said “let’s pause on surgery we think it’s not as bad as we first thought”. I almost collapsed. Sure I am not 100% in the clear. But, I am also not accepting the worst either. Because I know Spring is around the corner. Spring brings growth. Spring brings new. Spring brings hope.

This may be a time in your life that feels unfair. Where you feel out of control. Where you feel afraid. First know it is ok to be scared. Acknowledge it. Say it out loud. Find your center. Find your roots. Then dig firmly in. Answer the phone. Accept the help. Take a day off. Cry. Scream. Pray. It’s ok.

With each falling apart comes the making of a new masterpiece, even if it starts off with broken pieces.

Always with love,

Modo