Close Your Doors

Everyone knows I work in a healthcare clinic setting. Every day I walk in I am scared. I keep hearing the phrase “front line staff are so brave”. We are scared too. We go because this is what we signed up for. So please STAY HOME to protect us if you can.

My husband and father

I have the privilege of having an office that I can close the door too. I wouldn’t even consider myself front line staff to be honest. But these two men are. My dad runs a caregiver company and works in leisure world daily. I worry about him often. He is a hero. He doesnt get to close his door. He actually has always been a guy to open the door when times get tough to help.

Byron works in the automotive industry. He doesnt get to close his door. He talks to customers ALL DAY. He touches their cars, their hands, their credit cards. I pray every day he leaves the house. He is doing this to feed his family. Before I took this serious he had already stocked our house and bought us masks. He is braver than he knows. He is our hero. I not only have come to love him more during this time I have come to RESPECT him even more during this time.

I cross two check points before even getting to the stairs at work. I have been in contact with people with symptoms.I have laughed to mask that fear. I have continued to show up and work and help the best way I know how but please know I am still scared. I have family members that could die if I bring this illness home. My daughter has always had respiratory issues. Byron has a h/x of asthma. I wake up daily watching them both breathe.

Byron and I undress in our garage after shifts. Shower. We dont even touch our kids until we feel that everything we touched that day has been sanitized. So I BEG YOU ALL. Please STAY HOME. Limit your exposure. Find something to do at home. Save my heroes. Save the hospital staff. The people who dont get to close their doors. The doctors. The nurses. The receptionists. The techs. The grocery store workers. The gas station employees.

Close your doors so they can eventually close theirs.

Always with love


When No Means Yes

This is my sister Mykesha! She has ZERO qualms about bailing when she is not in the mood. I on the other hand will sit and plan an event knowing my life is straight looking like the last days. This year has forced me to sit my butt down even when I wanted to say yes. If I wasn’t sick, then my kids were, or we had a family emergency. Either way I didnt have a choice in saying NO, it was pinned for me.

But it has also made me realize the sun still rises the next morning, people forgive you, work is always waiting for your return, the world did not end when I didn’t show up.

Being forced to say NO has offered me much practice to also know when to say YES as well to things that I might have…I would have… said NO to before; because of my image at work, my concern how my family would feel about it, how I thought I would look if I failed at it.

Writing was my first YES of 2020 purely for myself. Something that made ME happy. I almost lost focus for a bit getting caught up in the likes and views. Thank you for talking me off the edge Eidit! Thank you mom for calling me and encouraging me, you have always helped me find my center.

What is something you are saying YES or NO to more this year? See my list below…

-spending more focused time with my immediate family and possibly a few little weekend getaways with the girls
-spending the time and money on building a healthy routine
-building/ rebuilding friendships that not only deposit but challenge my new self
-travelling more alone or in small groups (no more than 3 to 4)
-finding a spiritual routine that serves my entire family
-decorating my house
-look fly more often than not /rebuilding my wardrobe

-petty arguments
-continuing conversations that I dont feel “myself” in
-eating crap because its available …especially to fulfill an emotional void
-being on my phone when my kids are present
-being afraid to grow my brand or business (I guess I should start one first lol)
-depositing into spaces or people that only withdraw from me

Thank you Clarisse for getting me to say YES to something recently that I would have never done LOL (shhhhh dont tell anybody…our little secret)

Always with love,


When Things Fall Apart


I didn’t love my house at first sight. It was the last house we saw after a 7 house all day tour with our realtor and two children under 5. We had already been looking for nearly 6 months, been saving for 3 years, lost 2 houses in the process, and our lease was ending in 60 days.

It was an exhausting day. Our realtor said before we went inside that this house checked every box on our wish list. I was more excited about having the kids out the car than seeing the house honestly.

We walked the house. It did check every box but it didnt move me….until I saw the backyard. It was lush. It was full of sounds from the birds and dragonflies. Beautiful flowers everywhere. Apricot tree. Plum tree. Avocado trees. Grape vine. Olive tree. Berries. It was a dream. It was full of life. Byron felt the same way.

We closed the next month, but due to renovations and delayed move time the house sat for nearly 6 weeks in limbo. Once we moved in, the season begin to change and all the fruit dried up. The grass began to die. The birds came less.

We started to notice the problems. Trees leaning over our neighbors yard, dead shrubs, and the forest of dead plants on the side of the house. Byron called a gardener to clean things up. I went to work and when I returned I gasped. All the trees had been trimmed short, all the flowers were gone, and life was gone completely in the space. It felt barren. I stood in the backyard and sobbed.

Byron called the gardener and said a series of obscene things on the phone that can not be repeated in attempts to console me. The gardener kept saying “its fall you have to cut everything down. It will grow back”. But I couldn’t deal. I was heartbroken.

The fall brought another heartbreak with my health. Tons of doctors visits. 2nd and 3rd opinions. Phrases like ” growning mass”, “possible cancer”, and “are you done having kids” were all thrown my way within months. There were days I felt paralyzed in fear. Days Byron has literally just sat and watched me crumble, trying to pick up the pieces. Then my uncle died. Tragedy in the news. And work was piling up. I finally just crawled in the bed and slept almost 12 hours one day.

When I woke up I found my sage (thank you bro), walked my house blessed it and my body, and just paused. I got quiet. It’s what I do when I feel out of control. It’s what i do when i am scared. It’s what i do to feel closer to God.

A few days later I walked in my backyard and saw tiny flowers growing on a tree. I heard the birds chirping. Spring was on the horizon. I called Byron and said the flowers are coming back!!! I was so elated. And so was he. Everyday they got bigger and more beautiful. Every day I fell more in love with my house again.

I got a call after oncology reviewed my chart and said “let’s pause on surgery we think it’s not as bad as we first thought”. I almost collapsed. Sure I am not 100% in the clear. But, I am also not accepting the worst either. Because I know Spring is around the corner. Spring brings growth. Spring brings new. Spring brings hope.

This may be a time in your life that feels unfair. Where you feel out of control. Where you feel afraid. First know it is ok to be scared. Acknowledge it. Say it out loud. Find your center. Find your roots. Then dig firmly in. Answer the phone. Accept the help. Take a day off. Cry. Scream. Pray. It’s ok.

With each falling apart comes the making of a new masterpiece, even if it starts off with broken pieces.

Always with love,


I’m sure

We were parked in his red honda down the block from my house; 16; naive; and trying to hold on to the last 15 minutes before my curfew when I blurted out “I love you” for the first time to @blackjdm2010 .

He got real quiet.

He just looked at me. Smiled. And drove me home.

We didn’t talk about it. I left thinking we were breaking up. That I had rushed it.

I’m a sucker for love. You’ve seen the post about my dad. I love to be swept off my feet. I love grand gestures of affection. I love fairytales.

Byron was pragmatic. Quiet. Steady.

Weeks later we sat on the couch at his house and he said “I love you too” without prompt. He looked at me and said “I wanted to make sure before I said it”.

This was followed by weeks of finding roses in my room after school, being picked up after band practice and dropped off at work, he would then wait for me to get off and take me home. At prom he somehow rigged a ring on a string in the visor to slide down meeting me just at my nose (my promise ring). 

There are many days I talk about B and I’s faults in marriage, but today wont be one of those days.

Today I honor you Byron. Thank you for sweeping me off my feet in my teens, being diligent in my 20s, and being compassionate in my 30s.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I love you (I’m sure).

Always with love,


And that’s ok


Just straight tired and unsure of a lot right now.

I’m sure I’m not alone. Today I have felt quite defeated. Frozen. It’s taken me half an hour to open a chart at work.


I had to wake Journey up 4x today. I would literally move her from room to room in a sleep state. Getting her dressed. Doing her hair. I legit sat her on the toilet and held her while she peed. I understood. So I held her until she was able to release the clutches of weary.

She is exhausted. Her little body went through a lot last week. I envied that she had someone to hold her through the phases. Literally and figuratively.

My body has gone through quite a bit as well with this endometriosis diagnois chained to me.

Today I’m angry about it. Most days I ignore it. But today I’m mad.

I’m playing my deck. Often humbly, stoically, and with gratitude. But today, I’m asking why. Today I’m a bit scared. Today I’m kind of void.

Today I’m grateful for my ability to still write through the emotions of it all. I’m grateful for this blog community that even on their low days send me a word. Your words lift me. I’m grateful for a job that I can shut the door when needed. Today I’m grateful for my little miracle babies. They have brought me so much peace these past few days. Today I’m grateful for life.

But, I’m still mad.

And that’s ok.

To my SWTVU community that is mad today. I love you. To those that have lost loved ones recently I love you. To those that only have this space to feel connection I honor you, love you, and I see you.

Let the anger fuel you until it can exhaust to peace.

Always with love,


Small but mighty

Frozen is such a POWERFUL movie about sisterhood. This is after watching it maybe 18 times this week after Journey battled a really bad virus that led to steroids and a nebulizer. Somehow this movie was the only way she would take the treatment without crying in the beginning.

So now I can’t hear Do You Want to Build a Snowman without tearing up. Anna was so so lonely and just wanted her best friend/sister back. Elsa was willing to be in complete isolation to avoid hurting her sister. They both were aching for one another with a simple door separating them.

This led to Anna seeking attention in all the wrong places and led Elsa to completely shutting off every emotion except fear. Human connection to restore their love was the only thing that could break their chains.

What small but powerful thing is causing separation from you and a loved one? Can you find the key to your door? If so do it. Life is short.

Always with love,


The Before

Reminder: You don’t need a breakdown to be brought up!

I’ve been guilty of waiting to reach out to people until a tragedy strikes or they break or they ghost the world and I have to send my soul as a search crew to find them. And I’ve been neglected quite too often because…well…”I’m the strong one “. But that’s not what I want to talk about today. Today I want to talk about HOW to help BEFORE those moments happen.

I have lived in moments where I am screaming inside while dancing at a birthday party. I have had the darkest ideas all while being on vacation. I have felt unloved while holding hands.

I’ve had people ask if I was ok and respond “sure” knowing all too well I was depressed. I have ignored calls, I have pushed people away, and I have just flat out lied. So the question is how do you help someone who at times seem unreachable?

First I try to contact that person how they prefer to engage. I have a friend who no matter the magnitude of the situation will never leave a voicemail lol. She wants verbal communication. I know I HAVE to get her on the phone. My husband prefers a quiet house before engaging in serious convo so bedtalk usually works best for us. Then my friends that love social media I know sending then a few good GIFs and a quote will jumpstart a convo.

Then I ask, “are you happy today”. I find that question throws people a bit. It makes them pause. And usually be honest. It opens folks up. BUT if you are going to do this prepare to be THERE for the response. Prepare to hold their hand. Don’t ask just to know. Ask to heal.

Then….I just listen.


And listen some more.

I try and listen for the “because” not the reactions. You are crying because? You are thinking of leaving because? You are quitting because?

Then give them what is needed for THEM not what YOU think they SHOULD have. Most people know what they should do. They just need an ear. And the fact is YOU CANT CONTROL their next step anyway so just remind them of WHO they are and let them decide.

Then……love them.


Like you would your child.



Always with love,


Party of 1

The concept of being alone terrifies me if I am 100% completely honest. I’ve never enjoyed solitude without exhaustion attached. Growing up I was constantly surrounded by love and affection, but now that I look back I think I was more in love with the attention than the love part of it.

My dad was the kind of father that would take us on dates as kids. He would hold the door open for us. He made grand gestures and speeches about minor accolades. He really knew how to make you feel special.

Throughout my teens I chased that feeling desperately. I obtained highs from excelling academically, mastering my instrument and climbing to become a drum major and section leader in one of the most respected high school bands in southern california at that time(no matter how geeky you think it is), and of course I craved male attention.

But, all the noise only distanced me further from who I really was without an accessory. I still struggle with this today. When personal relationships change I judge. When I fail at work I question my passion. When my kids cry I over compensate. When love fades I retreat.

This year I have been trying the hardest I ever have to stand alone in who I am. I have distanced myself quite a bit from people and things that feel just too hard during this transformation. My vulnerability is at an all time high. I’m leaving myself open for some serious hurt and I can only allow pure love in.

Its lonely. I won’t lie. There are a lot of days I don’t like myself. Those days are welcomed now because it makes me dig deeper. Forgive myself. And try again tomorrow. I worry that exposing this journey will tarnish my image and reputation because I will make a lot of mistakes, but I pray that the good it will do will supercede the losses.

I’m being gentle with myself. I pray you all are too. Share a time when you felt this way, saw someone transforming and how you helped, or just drop a line to say hello.

Special thank you to THAT friend that was so courageous to take that leap even when I didnt understand. Thank you for allowing me in during that time and distancing when needed. I’m so grateful for you. You know exactly who you are.

Always with love,


Hello, It’s Me

Sometimes saying goodbye to your old self is the hardest part of stepping into your purpose. For me allowing others to grieve my old space in their lives is equally challenging. I fall back into smiling through conversations that really hurt me. Saying yes to things I no longer enjoy. Making jokes I find hurtful to appease others. And then I feel sick after.

Saying goodbye to your old self also may mean saying goodbye to old relationships that use to serve a huge role in your life and saying hello to things, people, moments that now restore the new you. You may be surprised that the old relationships develop into better ones once challenged. And sometimes they dont. And that’s ok. Seasons are there for a reason.

Grieve that loss but dont go backwards. Distance yourself if you cant remove that person from your life, but dont look backwards. Pray those relationships can be mended in time. But DONT GO BACKWARDS. Remember your calling from God must be bigger than your desire to feel accepted.

Always with love,


Say It Quiet For The People In The Front

I was blessed to grow up in an extremely supportive community. I had a large family and though we had our internal family dynamics we practiced the habit of showing up for each other. We still do to this day. I could have a screaming match with my sister, which isn’t something unrealistic (lol) and we both show up the next day for a recital for my niece, sitting hand in hand, cheering, pretending the day before never existed. B and I practice the art of ignoring one another. After a recent arguement we went nearly 4 days of silently passing each other in the hallway. Then he woke up one morning saying he needed to go to the hospital and the silent treatment was expunged immediately. I’ve been hurt by people and have hurt them back but in true times of need I always knew we would be walking through the door for each other.

Hey, I never said the showing up was always healthy but the fact is I never questioned their presence. And sometimes in life the showing up is what we need most. We need the comfort of another person just sitting in the room with us as a reminder that we are not alone. As I battled post partum depression after my second child one of my sisters would often stop by after work, hold the baby, maybe cook something then leave. She is not a talker. So we didnt talk much in those days. I’m not sure she even really knew what to say to me. Most didn’t. Most didn’t know how to rationalize that I wasn’t being strong. This was a foreign concept for many; myself included. Most thought that I was just being distant. Again I’m not sure she knew either, but she would just show up. Quietly. And then go. Those moments saved me from dark holes I had crawled in while caring for two babies, alone most of the day. Her presecene was my lighthouse to signal a return to baseline.

So not only are my family and friends pretty great but I also was blessed to be raised in a close knit church family. When I say close knit I mean I saw these people far more than my extended family. We spent nearly 3 to 4 nights a week together and ALLLLLLL day Sunday. We slept over each other’s houses. We dated each other. We jumped into our parents cars without hesitancy. We spent birthdays together. We cried together. We clowned each other. We learned how to set a table formally together. We had fashion shows for one another. And I mean real fashion shows where companies would sponsor us with clothing just to parade around the church and show off the local Macy’s fashions. We were family. And many of us are til this day. We serve as godparents, confidants, and time capsules.

And with all that love and support your girl still found a way to sneak a lack of confidence into her spirit (another post). The way it materialized was making sure people that didnt want to hear me HEARD ME LOUD AND CLEAR. I would make it a point to “say it loud for the people in the back”. The people in the back being the ex-boyfriend that broke my heart (honestly we kind of broke each other’s), the people who you show up for time and time again and they flake the one time you need them, Janice my coworker who forever clocking people, you know, the haters!

(Let’s be honest I dont think I am at any place in life to have a bonafide hater but it sounded good right there.)

I became obsessed with proving myself to the people that had walked so far way from me that I needed to yell for their attention. And it didnt always look like anger. Often it looked like desperation. Back in middle school I wrote a FOUR PAGE LETTER to my ex practically begging him back. Let’s just say that ended HORRIBLY. And I know a special someone that reads my blogs that knows exactly who I am talking about and I beg you to please spare my readers the details FRIEND! Hahaha

I’ve learned the entire words to Hey in the Middle of the Barn to impress a boy. I’ve lost tons of weight to fit into an outfit to merely walk in a room, then gain it all back. I’ve excelled in parts of my practice to simply say I did. I’ve paid for COUNTLESS gifts to just prove a point. And yall have seen my blog posts ranting, today you dont have to search too far just see my last Facebook post. Ha! So let’s just say I’ve gone out of my way to make sure people KNOW who I am and how horrible they should feel losing my time.

But the fact is most often those people didnt even care to respond. Most often they didntlt hear my cry. Most often they are so far in the back that a megaphone wouldn’t even catch their attention. And the whole time while I was getting those work accolades, losing that weight, and writing those blogs the community I was ignoring were the ones cheering the loudest. But, I was too busy shouting to hear them.

I liken it to using a water hose. You know when you need to get that patch in the far right but dont want to walk across the grass so you press the handle as hard as you can, lift your arm, and focus keenly on that small patch of grass. If you pay attention, there is water still dripping in the “in between”. A light mist really. I was giving mist of love to the people that really loved and supported me all while the few got most of my attention.

My mother reads every post. Comments. Truly believes that one day my writing will change lives. Her support was always appreciated but I remember a time almost forgetting her relentless love in search of the people that I thought SHOULD be supporting me. I remember saying one day that a particular person in my life never commented, liked, or supported me online. Her response was, “well I like everything you write”. I thanked her. But, it wasn’t until months later that I understood what that really meant.

The person that unapologetically shows up time and time again without question. The person that takes the time to respond when you need them. The people that cheers with you even through tears. That’s the person that deserves your waterfall. Those are your people. That’s your tribe. And often you dont need to shout because they are standing so close you could whisper a thank you and they would hear it.

So today, on my 36th birthday, I dedicate this to my people. The people who have inspired me to write again despite my grammatical errors. The people that comment on almost every post to encourage me. The people that message me privately saying they felt heard today. The people that sit with me in diners and let me cry my darkest secrets out. The people that keep asking “when are you going to just write a book already”. The people that send cards in the mail to my children when you are just thinking of them. The people that have helped me pay for private school for my kids until I could afford it. The people that have sat with me in a studio apartment with just a blow up. The people that believed I could when I didnt. The people that watch my kids every single trip I take. The people that want nothing from me but my smile. My mom. My dad. My family. My tribe. Hear my whisper.

“Thank you”

Always with love